WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 04, 2006
Not Taking It Personally
In the “Juice of Life” article we looked at simple techniques that we can all use to navigate through the muddy waters of our reactions. In this month’s article we’re going to get more specific and look at one of the fundamental constructs that underlies the reaction response. This month we’re going to explore the art of Not Taking It Personally.
Just one caveat. This article is geared more for those sensitive souls who tend to personalize everything and think that everything is “their fault.” This article is not for those who use the world and the people they encounter as a projection point for their assumptions, blame and rigid expectations.
One of the fundamental misconceptions that we all have relates to how we take in information. We think that when someone disagrees with us, judges us, or doesn’t understand us, that it is a reflection of who we are. If someone says, “You make no sense,” “You have a weird way of doing things,” “You’re ridiculous,” we tend to think making no sense, being weird, being ridiculous, are qualities that exist in us. There are two words that are missing from these comments that if included, would begin to change the whole framework for how we respond to people. If someone says “you’re ridiculous,” “you make no sense,” the two words that are missing are “to me.” If people were to say “you’re ridiculous to me,” “you make no sense to me,” then we could begin to see that how people are reacting to us is more a reflection of how they see and value things rather than a true reflection on us.
Let’s look at this more closely. We all make value assessments based on our own unique internal valuation system. A value assessment consists of how we assess things that we encounter in our lives (people, events, situations). David Gorman, who is the founder and creator of LearningMethods, describes the 4 elements that make up a value assessment.
The first element in a value assessment is the valuer, (the one doing the evaluating). The second element is the person or thing being evaluated. The third element is the evaluation itself. The fourth element is the criteria being used to make the evaluation. The fourth element is key because the criteria that someone uses to make an evaluation is based on their beliefs, their life experience and any traumas they may have accumulated along the way.
Let’s use the above example to make sense of this. If someone says “you’re ridiculous,” where does that comment come from? It appears that the comment is directed at you and about you but why that reaction and not another reaction? Someone else may have a completely different response to you in the same situation and under the same set of circumstances, they may think, “you’re brilliant.”
At this point we can begin to see that taking things personally is not an accurate way of assessing our experience. If someone is reacting to you, it may appear that the reaction is being stimulated by you but in reality their reaction is based on their own criteria, someone else may have a completely different reaction to you based on different criteria. Each person assesses what’s happening in front of them based on their own personal criteria. We don’t have to take things personally at this point, we can say to ourselves, this person’s reaction is a reflection of their beliefs, tastes and personal criteria.
One last note, some people reading this might assume that what has been discussed here exempts us from personal responsibility. This is not the case, we are all responsible for our own actions and reactions, this is entirely the point. When we don’t take responsibility for our reactions and actions it leads to the conflicts that give rise to disharmony between people.
Just one caveat. This article is geared more for those sensitive souls who tend to personalize everything and think that everything is “their fault.” This article is not for those who use the world and the people they encounter as a projection point for their assumptions, blame and rigid expectations.
One of the fundamental misconceptions that we all have relates to how we take in information. We think that when someone disagrees with us, judges us, or doesn’t understand us, that it is a reflection of who we are. If someone says, “You make no sense,” “You have a weird way of doing things,” “You’re ridiculous,” we tend to think making no sense, being weird, being ridiculous, are qualities that exist in us. There are two words that are missing from these comments that if included, would begin to change the whole framework for how we respond to people. If someone says “you’re ridiculous,” “you make no sense,” the two words that are missing are “to me.” If people were to say “you’re ridiculous to me,” “you make no sense to me,” then we could begin to see that how people are reacting to us is more a reflection of how they see and value things rather than a true reflection on us.
Let’s look at this more closely. We all make value assessments based on our own unique internal valuation system. A value assessment consists of how we assess things that we encounter in our lives (people, events, situations). David Gorman, who is the founder and creator of LearningMethods, describes the 4 elements that make up a value assessment.
The first element in a value assessment is the valuer, (the one doing the evaluating). The second element is the person or thing being evaluated. The third element is the evaluation itself. The fourth element is the criteria being used to make the evaluation. The fourth element is key because the criteria that someone uses to make an evaluation is based on their beliefs, their life experience and any traumas they may have accumulated along the way.
Let’s use the above example to make sense of this. If someone says “you’re ridiculous,” where does that comment come from? It appears that the comment is directed at you and about you but why that reaction and not another reaction? Someone else may have a completely different response to you in the same situation and under the same set of circumstances, they may think, “you’re brilliant.”
At this point we can begin to see that taking things personally is not an accurate way of assessing our experience. If someone is reacting to you, it may appear that the reaction is being stimulated by you but in reality their reaction is based on their own criteria, someone else may have a completely different reaction to you based on different criteria. Each person assesses what’s happening in front of them based on their own personal criteria. We don’t have to take things personally at this point, we can say to ourselves, this person’s reaction is a reflection of their beliefs, tastes and personal criteria.
One last note, some people reading this might assume that what has been discussed here exempts us from personal responsibility. This is not the case, we are all responsible for our own actions and reactions, this is entirely the point. When we don’t take responsibility for our reactions and actions it leads to the conflicts that give rise to disharmony between people.
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